The Bachelorette: "Guarding and protecting your heart"

Blame it on the unfortunate drought of quality television in the summer, but I have somehow ended up watching the last two episodes of ABC's The Bachelorette. This show, and its opposite counterpart, The Bachelor, has been on for several years and completed nearly 20 cycles, but I've never really watched more than a few minutes of it until now. Having seen it, I do not regret this choice, and yet I'm finding myself strangely hooked and wanting to come back.

The entire concept of this show has always seemed bizarre to me. 25 single men all vie to be chosen for a relationship (and often marriage) with one attractive woman (or vice versa). The amazing thing is that the Bachelorette or Bachelor is immediately idolized by all of the suitors, with each of them passionately striving to be chosen. Now, the chosen ones usually are hotties, so it's not that surprising, but still, what if one of the dudes just doesn't like her that much? Why is every single one of them convinced she is perfect for them? It's like there's an instant love potion the show uses. I can't imagine myself having enough energy to bother competing with that many people for a random girl I just met, no matter how attractive and awesome she seems. This is why I won't be getting cast on reality TV anytime soon, I guess.

Don't get me wrong though, I find the current Bachelorette, Ali, to be pretty darn cute. She seems genuine and nice, and not entirely unintelligent. Despite my apathy about the show initially, I do find myself rooting for her to make a good choice. Also, she apparently works for Facebook, which is just cool. Definitely good casting there.

There's something very uncomfortable and sad about the show at times. The guys are often very awkward in their dating situations. In many cases, you can't blame them. No one in real life has practice dating in this contrived scenario, where you are in a contest, and know that your date will be out with another guy the next night. Rather than make fun of them though, I often find myself covering my eyes in embarrassment, because I know I would be pretty awkward too. This aspect makes it difficult to watch at times.

But that's all washed away when people, as they so reliably do on television, start acting nuts. I will empathize with your awkwardness, but rest assured I will be laughing if you lack any self-awareness and act like a psychotic cheeseball. This week's primary culprit is a man named Kasey. Kasey wants to "guard and protect her heart." We know this because he said it approximately 80 times during the episode, to the point where it lost any possible charm it had and turned into an awful catchphrase.

And then, in a moment of classic reality awesomeness, Kasey demonstrates his affection by "spontaneously" breaking out in song. "Yeah, that's pretty intense," he says afterward. Yes, Kasey, intensely awful. In certain situations, I'm sure girls appreciate a nice serenade. But randomly inventing a melody-less, a cappella tune without any sense of irony is a no go, and the discomfort on Ali's face was clear. Kasey didn't get the hint, and broke into song again later in the date, proclaiming, "It just came to me. I guess you inspire me like that." Sure it did, buddy. Ali avoids giving him a rose, but doesn't send him home, as is customary when you fail to impress on a one-on-one date. So Kasey sticks around, and further proves his devotion insanity by getting a tattoo on his wrist for her. It's a heart being guarded or something, because he wants to guard and protect her heart, you know. He ends up not getting to show this to her by the end of the episode, which was disappointing, but may be a blessing because he gets to stick around to further bring the crazy.

The rest of the show is filled with picture perfect, elaborate dates and events set up by the producers, including a trip to Broadway's The Lion King, where the boys audition for a one-night role. The whole thing is riotously funny, particularly the jealous commentary from the other guys whenever one person is getting singled out for attention. Particularly jealousy prone is dopey weatherman Jonathan, who likes to use weather metaphors to describe his relationship with Ali. He also composes a song for her, but does not receive a rose at the end of the night for his efforts. Sad. But don't worry, next week, the show continues to provide natural, relatable dating situations by sending the crew to volcano-spewing Iceland.

At the end of the day, The Bachelorette is a trashy reality show, but it's such an odd social experiment that it becomes oddly fascinating to watch. The 2-hour runtime is a bit excessive, but in the void of summer, I can't complain about that too much. So congratulations, Bachelorette, you've gained yourself a viewer.